perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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