i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
