so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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