I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's blow job season.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize