i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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