I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
