He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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