so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize