She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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