even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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