I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
