My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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