Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
