Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize