She just used a chaser for red wine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
