Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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