My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
