I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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