You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize