: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
