Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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