They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
