Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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