What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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