Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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