you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize