Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my being single is dangerous.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
