I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
