I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
