i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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