I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
