i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
