are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
