My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
