Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
