You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
