I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
