You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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