somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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