Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
