if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
