I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
