According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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