Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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