The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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