do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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