The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
