If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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