Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
