If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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