I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
