I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
