I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
