I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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