Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
