I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
