Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
