omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
