his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
