i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
