Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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