I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
