i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
