Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
