Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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