...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
