Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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