the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So vagazzling was a success
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
