R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize