once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
