Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
