I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize