There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
