yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
