I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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