just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
