just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
