you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
