I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
